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What i have amounted to? i don't know. the first word that comes to mind is, nothing. then, a disappointment, then, maybe i affected someones life for the better. What have i done with my life? what have you done with yours? think about it, really think about it. what are you proud of? what makes you smile? what makes your life worth living?

honestly, I'm not sure. i have amounted to a confused person that doesn't know themself. i haven't really done anything with my life. I'm proud I'm still alive, i guess. seeing or hearing nice things makes me smile. seeing other people cry makes me cry, even if i do not know the reason the tears are being shed. i would say what makes my life worth living at the end of the day is hope. i have hope, or i dare to dream, that i may still be able to affect someones life for the good.

nevertheless...

life can be so ... disappointing. i know it cant be perfect or easy, but some good would be preferable. i mean, i have a mom and a dad, and i house! that's lucky, that's a lot. but I'm still human: i still grovel in self pity. my best friend died, i still do not know how or why. no one understands me. i have no one to go to. everything leads, somehow, to yet an even bigger disappointment. i don't remember the last time i was proud of something i did, or my life. i don't remember the last day that went by where i didn't cry. i know i should feel lucky and happy, but i don't, i cant. growing up i always wondered what my mark on the world would be. now i know i wont make one. when i die people will cry for a little then i will be lost, forever, to the deep and merciless hole of time.

(june23-09)